It’s not your fault.

“I was afraid to make that first call because I was so ashamed that I needed help.”

When John* first met with me, he believed that he was the problem, that he was to blame, and that nobody else was quite as worthless as he was. As a result of this self-blame, John felt ashamed about reaching out for help. However, as we worked together, he began to understand what was really going on.

You did not choose this.

The first crucial insight for John was the realisation that he did not choose to develop his ‘symptoms’. (For ‘symptoms’ insert here whatever you might be experiencing at present such as feeling worthless, stuck, anxious, depressed, becoming dependent on alcohol or drugs, overeating, under-eating, self-harming, etc.). He saw that his symptoms had developed very gradually, and that some had even helped him survive his difficult past.

You are shaped by your experience.

Realising that he did not choose to develop his ‘symptoms’ helped John to recognise that he was not to ‘blame’ for them either. Like all of us, John’s development as a person was the result of complex interplay between nature (biology and temperament) and nurture (family or social environment and life experiences). These factors contributed to the formation of John’s personality and are captured in a generalized model of human behaviour called the bio-psycho-social-spiritual model. This model showed John that he, like everyone else, was a complex person with biological, psychological, social, and spiritual dimensions. It was the interaction of these elements which contributed to the symptoms he was experiencing (for more, see this post).

You can make things better.

Through our psychotherapeutic relationship, John began to experience himself differently and to discover his true self. He realised that, while he was not to blame for his ‘symptoms‘, he could feel empowered to make things better for himself. However, the road to meaningful change is a collaborative effort which takes time. John’s therapy required an array of treatment approaches to address each of his interlinked issues. Deciding which approach to use at any given time is the specialist task of the integrative psychotherapist (for more, see this post).

Change is possible.

By the conclusion of our work together, John understood how his early childhood had resulted in him developing unconscious somatic senses which initially protected him but which were now causing him difficulty. He also became aware of his learnt, detrimental thought patterns and behaviours. He realised how these were impacting his relationships and began to manage them for his own benefit. Most importantly, John experienced himself as a normal person whose mind, body and spirit were engaged in his daily living. He ultimately embraced that he could live his best life when he was his most authentic self.

His new awareness empowered John to choose the way of being in this world that worked best for him. He realised that he was not to blame for how his life had developed before therapy but that, after therapy, he now had choice.

So, now it’s your turn.

Just how much do you want things to be different for you? Picking up the phone may feel uncomfortable, but it could be so worthwhile. As soon as you begin to talk about what is bothering you, the sooner things can change. Struggling is not failing—so don’t let your situation drag on any longer.

*Name changed for confidentiality.